


Yearning For You

by mellowmasochist



Series: Cancelled/Unfinished work I don't plan on completing [1]
Category: Fanboy & Chum Chum (Cartoon)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe, Confusion, Crying, F/M, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Married Couple, Men Crying, Overthinking, Questioning, Self-Esteem Issues, Sigmund and Kyle are friends, Tags will change as the story progresses, Trust Issues, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24188935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellowmasochist/pseuds/mellowmasochist
Summary: After Kyle married Yo thinking he was in love with her, the feelings of confusion and disgust that he experience during his teenage years has come back to haunt him after years and years of repressing and bottling up those emotions for so long. Unfortunately, due to homophobia, he can't talk about what he is feeling unless he wants to get hurt, abandon, or worst case scenario, killed.
Relationships: Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason & Fanboy, Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason/Fanboy, Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason/Yo
Series: Cancelled/Unfinished work I don't plan on completing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1837048
Kudos: 8





	1. Where is my happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Some context on this AU: This story takes place when the main characters are now in their early 20s, and everything is the same except that homosexuality is still a very taboo thing. So like the setting is modern but there's still lots of homophobia where they live, if you get uncomfy by any kind of lgbtphobia then please don't read this.
> 
> This story is not only about gay romance, but it's also about self discovery, self acceptance, how people make mistakes, and to never give up.

It was a warm sunny Saturday morning, the bright sunlight was shining through the blinds that were attached to the window inside of the bedroom, Kyle woke up with a ray of sunlight hitting against his eyelids. He rubbed his half opened sleepy eyes after he was awoken from his dream. He was dreaming about when he used to go to Galaxy Hills Elementary School and when he used to hang out with his school chums, more specifically Fanboy, Chum Chum, and Yo. He had a big smile on his face when he began to remember the good and nostalgic memories of them, back when times were more simpler and calmer for him. That smile quickly went away when he turned to his left and saw Yo sleeping next to him. All of those positive feelings he was experiencing at that current moment turned into an emotion he can't quite yet describe other than it was a combination of numbness and a tad bit of confusion. Kyle got up from the bed and went to head to the kitchen that was in the house both him and Yo were sharing, now that they were married. He started to make himself some warm tea to drink, he wasn't hungry so he had no desire to eat anything at the moment. He sat down at the kitchen table, staring out at the window, drinking his tea, all while he was deep into his thoughts.

He started to have flashbacks to when he got the news that he was able to finally continue his studies at Milkweed Academy, and he was so happy. The only issue was that he had to leave his friends behind since they still had to go to the school they were already currently in. After he graduated from Milkweed, he didn’t know what to do in England and started to become very lonely. He did have Sigmund though, they started to become friends again later on in middle school after the huge rivalry between them all throughout elementary school, but the sorcerer was often too busy to talk to anyone, sometimes he even wonders if he gets worn out by all the constant work he has to do. This was when Kyle decided to move back to Galaxy Hills and have a new beginning again, plus since he was already out of school, he thought it wouldn’t hurt to try and meet up with his old friends and see how they have been doing. After Kyle moved back to Galaxy Hills, he tried to find his chums, but he didn’t have any luck, hell he even checked the old Fanlair once, but still no sign of them. Until one day when he was at a grocery store and accidentally bumped into Fanboy and Chum Chum in an aisle.

At first he didn’t recognize them, since they were wearing casual everyday clothes, and back in 5th grade when he went to school with them they would always wear their superhero outfits everywhere. “Watch where you’re going” he said to them, the two completely froze once they heard the red haired man speak, “that voice... it’s so familiar” is what they both thought. “K-Kyle? Is that you?” asked the smaller one, they swore this person looked so much like their old british wizard friend that they haven’t seen nor talked to in literal years, but they weren’t expecting whoever this person was to sound like him. Kyle then froze himself when he heard that question. He turned around to see these two strangers again, and his eyes began to tear up a bit once he realized who they were. Suddenly Kyle gave them both a hug and started to cry tears of joy, which is extremely rare for him to do. Then the two others realized it was Kyle who was hugging them and they began to smile widely, not expecting him to be in Galaxy Hills again. After that he met up with Yo and some other folks, and since he didn't had anything to do in England, he decided to fully move in again. The wizard began to smile weakly as he took a sip from his tea while thinking of that, he was and still is so grateful that he was able to find the both of them in the end. "Good morning hun!" said Yo in a positive yet still somewhat sleepy tone. Kyle kept staring out at the window, he didn't even notice Yo was now awake, he thought that Yo was still sleeping in the bedroom since she often likes to stay up and sleep in, who knows, he honestly couldn't remember anything anymore.

[Flashback]

After Kyle met up with his old friends from 5th grade, he started to get more closer to Fanboy, Chum Chum, and Yo. But... there was a problem that he thought he would've gotten over a long time ago, the longer he bonded with them, the more and more he started to feel bad again. You see, back when he was still in school, after everyone began to hit puberty after everyone graduated from elementary school, things started to change, not only on a physical level but also on an emotional and mental level. It was especially hard for Kyle because this was when he started to notice he was "different". When Kyle came back to Milkweed Academy in 6th grade, he saw that things weren't the way they used to be, people became more rude and aggressive towards each other, more rumors were being spread, and in general there was more drama compare to before, which frankly Kyle could care less about, but the one thing that caught most of his attention to the sudden change throughout everyone was that everyone was now either gaining a crush or getting into a relationship.

Kyle tried not to make it obvious, but he couldn't help but feel odd about himself, he didn't feel the romance that everyone else was feeling, he wasn't gaining any crushes on any girls just like the rest of the boys were, and he didn't understand why. As he started to get more older during his high school years, he started to miss his old friends back at Galaxy Hills, especially Fanboy. A lot of times during lunch, he would think about the memories he has made with Fanboy and all the emotions he felt when he was with him, he didn't know how to describe it but he felt this sort of deep connection between him and Fanboy, something that he never really felt with anyone else. There was one time where he wondered to himself that maybe he was a homosexual, and this was when the negative emotions came to him like an unexpected tsunami. He started to deny any possible chance of him being gay, even though every relationship he ever had with a girl always ended of up in him feeling weird and unhappy, but that didn't mean anything, is what he would tell himself often. He was always taught that being gay was wrong and not natural, and when he first learnt about that kind of ideology he didn't really care much since he always thought he was straight, but after he questioned himself that he wasn't even sure what to feel anymore, but it certainly wasn't gonna end up well if he ended up in the wrong path.

After his extreme denial, confusion, and internalized homophobia only got worse, so did the bullying. He would often do his own business and hear people behind his back whispering about him, he didn't hear exactly what they were saying since it was quiet, but sometimes he can hear them say things along the lines of "I heard he's gay, that's why he has no girlfriend" or "Wow what a loser, what is he gay?". Sometimes it can even go to as people yelling and calling him homophobic slurs such as q*eer or f*ggot, hell once he even got physically and verbally bullied heavily while he was washing his hands in the bathroom, and he couldn't say anything to anyone since the area he lived in was very homophobic, so he just bottled his true emotions up out of fear. After he graduated high school and did everything he had to do, those feelings finally went away, he didn't had to feel the pressure of having to be in a heterosexual relationship, he didn't have to worry about people asking him why he had no girlfriend. But after he reconnected with his friends back at Galaxy Hills, those same emotions that he felt, the ones he has bottled up for years, are now back again, and it's only worse because he is now an adult.

One time he remembered walking down to the park with Yo, just to get some fresh air with her. While they were on their way, a person commented saying that he was lucky to have such a beautiful "girlfriend" on his side, and then left. This was around the time when they were only very close friends, so this made the rest of the walk heavily awkward for the both of them, after the sun started to set Kyle took Yo back to her house after she requested him to take her back. When Kyle went back to his apartment, he felt so mentally tired and so confused. After the park incident happened, he started to question his attraction towards Yo. He had always felt this close and trustworthy connection between Yo, he has been best friends with her since 5th grade, and even after he left to England and came back to Galaxy Hills for the first time in 11 years he still can bond with Yo with no issue just like back then. "What if she's the one?" He asked himself one time when he was laying in his bed staring off into the popcorn ceiling that he had in his little apartment. He never got the chance to feel real love like the rest of his classmates back at Milkweed, and he thought this is what love felt like.

One day, after 3 months of him thinking he was in love with Yo, he finally got the courage to ask her out, and Yo said yes. After more and more months passed by of them bonding even more and get closer, Kyle started to notice a odd difference within Fanboy, he wasn't as energetic and positive as before, whenever Kyle would text Tobias on how he was doing, it would take him much more longer to respond to the redhead. He thought that maybe he was going through a hard time over something that didn't have to do with him at all, although he still couldn't help but think he did or said something that made his friend so distant and quiet. About 5 months ago, after a year of them dating, Kyle started to think about his relationship with Yo, and thought that maybe he should take it to the next step. One night, when him and his girlfriend were on a date, Kyle decided that it was at this moment that he will propose to her, and that is what he did.

Yo started to cry tears of joy and proudly said yes. Yo invited all of her friends to come over to their wedding, including Fanboy and Chum Chum. When their wedding day came along, Kyle remembered looking out at everyone who was sitting down at the seats, he saw Chum Chum sitting down wearing a tux on the front row, but the seat that was next to him was completely empty, that was where Fanboy was supposed to sit at. Even after the wedding was over he couldn't find him anywhere. Kyle then moved into Yo's house and everything went okay for the first few weeks after the wedding, but after a while he slowly started to feel empty again, and the same confusion and disgust he felt towards himself only came back worse than ever. He couldn't exactly place his finger at why he felt this way, he hoped that it has to do nothing with this marriage, but there's a part deep down somewhere within him that is telling him that this marriage maybe was a big mistake, but the denial within him made him not focus on that. As he continued to sit at the kitchen table, his negative and stressful thoughts began to get worse and it was so tiring.

[End of flashback]

"Um.. Kyle? Are you there?" asked Yo as he laid her hand on his shoulder. Kyle snapped out and came back to reality, where he saw his wife next to him. "O-Oh sorry! I was so focused on my own thoughts" the conjurer said as he began to laugh awkwardly, "how was your slumber?". He got up from the seat and placed down his teacup. "Mmmm it went pretty well heehee! I actually went to bed more earlier this time soooo that's good news!" The Japanese woman said as she smiled and gave Kyle a small kiss on the cheek, Kyle awkwardly kiss her back despite him not wanting to. "Um hey... I need to uh.. use the restroom? yeah.. I'll be back.. dear" Kyle said, once that last word rolled off his tongue he felt a weird shiver being sent down at his spine, and he didn't liked it not one bit. He then headed to the bedroom where the bathroom was at. The smile on Yo's face then turned into a concerned frown, she has started to notice that Kyle has been acting a bit differently, no, scratch that, more like a he has been extremely different recently. He isn't as affectionate and has been more distant from everyone, she has been getting worried for him but every time she tries to bring this up to him he only says that he is "fine" and leaves it at that. "Why is he being this way? Did I do something wrong??" She asked herself in her head. She sighed and headed to the kitchen to make herself something to eat. While she was making herself breakfast, Kyle was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower

He turned on the water and began to do his business. As he was washing his body and hair, the thoughts he was thinking earlier have come back. He didn't know why he was feeling this way, he should be happy, if he was so happy with Yo when they were both just very close friends, then why doesn't he feel that way now that they are married, is his main question. "I don't understand.. why does every kiss I give her feel so weird? Why is every 'I love you' that I tell her feel so wrong? This is all on me, I am at fault for this, it all makes sense now" he thought to himself. He hasn't felt this unhappy in so long and it's killing him, he wished he could just disappear and never come back, even if it was only for a few hours. He could feel his eyes getting that stinging feeling he usually feels when he's about to cry, but he couldn't tell if it was because of the tears coming out of his eyes or if it was the water that was coming out of the shower head entering his eye balls, either way he felt awful mentally. "When will this feeling ever stop? Why am I not happy" he whispered tp himself as he started to sob quietly, thankfully the water was loud enough to drown out his soft cries.

After Kyle got out of the shower, he had a blank lifeless expression on his face. He put on some black pants, a red and black striped long sleeve shirt and his long black cape. After he was done blow drying his hair, he looked at himself deeply in the mirror and sighed. "Maybe I'm destined to feel this way forever, what did I do to deserve this? What kind of cruel punishment is this?" he thought to himself. He sighed as he left the bathroom, then he heard a certain noise come from his phone that was on the small table next to Kyle's side of the bed, it sounded like he just received a text. He went over there and checked his phone, and to his surprise he saw that he just got a notification from Sigmund. He opened up his phone to read what he has sent. "Hello Kyle. So sorry I haven't responded to your text, I have been so busy. Heard you got married to Yo, so happy for you!! Anyways... not sure if you have heard but next week I am coming to America to perform some of my dazzling shows over there. If you want I can visit you while I'm over there, that is if I have enough time of course. Anyways, I must go now, dazzle you later!!"

Kyle's started to smile in excitement, he couldn't wait to meet his friend Sigmund again, it's been so long that he couldn't even remember the exact last time they saw each other. If he went back in time and told his 10 year old self that one day him and Sigmund were going to become friends again, the younger version of him wouldn't believe it. He started to think about the whole entire story between them, from when they met to all the way when they went from being mortal enemies to being very close friends, but that is another story for another day. Kyle began to feel somewhat better and left the bedroom to enter the the living room. He saw Yo putting her shoes on, assuming that she is getting ready to go to work. "Hey babe! I'm on my way to go to work, I won't be back for a bit, I'll see you soon!" She said as she gave Kyle a warm hug. He had to admit, the hug did feel nice and it did made him feel a bit better, so he hugged back and smile. "I'll see you later then, stay safe!" Kyle said as he gave Yo one last smile before she closed the door on her way out. Even though he always felt odd when it came to him kissing her, he enjoyed the hugs and cuddles he had with Yo, it reminded him of when they were both watching a movie that one night and were cuddling with each other, back when they were just friends and nothing else.

But now, it's different. They weren't friends anymore, they were a married couple now. The small bit of happiness he felt from Sigmund's sudden text an Yo's warm hug quickly went away. He began to feel completely empty again. Kyle went to the kitchen table where he left his now empty teacup, as he was cleaning the teacup and putting it away in its correct spot the confusion within him came back and it wasn't going to leave any time soon. Kyle didn't understand what was going on, and was too scared to find out, yet he also wanted to figure on why he was feeling this way, he didn't want to continue feeling this way, he's tired of feeling like something about himself is missing and doesn't even know where to start to find the missing piece. He just wants to know exactly what he wants and wants to know how to find happiness, but for now, he is completely stuck and doesn't know where to get help first. Kyle decided to try and distract himself instead of thinking of these bad thoughts, he grabbed his broom and wand and opened the front door, Yo's car wasn't there, confirming he was now completely alone. He got on his broom, made it levitate, and with the power of his wizard wand, he made himself and the now floating broom completely invisible so that no one could see him. He sometimes likes to fly around town in his broom to enjoy the view, and it also helps him boost his mood a bit. The cool breeze on his face, the nice fresh air entering his lungs, nature always made him feel somewhat better, or at least more relaxed.

As he was flying around town, he noticed the frosty freezy mart that was very close to him. The last time he went there was when he was in 5th grade, he remembered Lenny and Boog who were working over there. He decided to take a small stop and visit the convenient store. He landed on the floor, took his wand and made himself visible again and safely store his broom away by poofing it, until the next time he wants to use it he can just made his broom appear again with his wand. He entered the store out of curiosity to see if anything else has changed, and to his surprise nothing changed, but one thing that made him the most surprised was that instead of Lenny or Boog working there, it was someone else that he recognized, someone he hasn't talked to or seen since his wedding, it was Tobias.

To be continued.


	2. Unpleasant Thoughts and Possibilities

Kyle didn’t know what to say and was frankly too nervous to say anything, and it didn’t get any better when Fanboy looked up and finally noticed that Kyle was here, the redhead was so nervous and thought that Tobias hates him and that coming here was a huge mistake. “KYLE!!” shouted Fanboy as he ran over to where his friend was at. “I’m so sorry I didn’t get your text message!! My phone stopped working and I had to get a new one, also I tried to visit you by coming over to your apartment but someone told me that you don’t live in that small apartment anymore and I got really anxious and-” Fanboy kept rambling on and on and on, which is pretty common for him to do and not a surprise. Kyle’s worried face turned into a more calmer and relaxed expression, he can tell that Fanboy was trying to reach out to him and still actually cared for him, which made all of emotions he felt whenever he overthought that maybe Fanboy didn’t like him anymore go away, suddenly he gave him a hug, causing Fanboy to stop rambling. “I miss you too, Tobias” Kyle said as he started to smile and blush. Tobias began to smile widely and hugged him back tightly, not wanting to let go.

“So wait, when did you start working here?” Kyle asked as he let go of the hug. “Oh when?” Tobias headed back to the store check out counter, where he usually is at, Kyle followed him while still listening. “Meh not too long ago, I got fired from my last job recently because I was sleeping and doing other shenanigans during work hours, not like I even liked that job either way, I was only there for the money, but in here it’s soo much more better, it’s not as uptight plus I have made a ton of good memories over here with my old pal Chum Chum, I've been feeling way more relaxed over here and I do a much more better job when I feel good” Fanboy giggled. Kyle enjoys listening to Fanboy ramble on about whatever is on his mind, even if its about something he had no idea what was about. Seeing him get all happy and excited made him feel at ease, and he loved every bit of it. He didn’t know what to expect when he came into here for the first time in years, but he was happy he stopped by.

Fanboy grabbed an extra chair for Kyle from the small storage room where the cleaning supplies are usually. Kyle sat down and started to hang out with him, there were some small breaks they had to take from talking when a new customer came along and bought something, and even then it didn't take too long for them to get back on track. They went from talking about old memories to stuff that happened after the wedding. Fanboy was talking about a certain incident that happened in his last job and how it was probably one of the most entertaining and funniest moments he ever had in that boring job. Kyle continued to listen to him ramble on again as usual while the both of them had big smiles on their faces, but suddenly the red haired wizard’s brain stopped concentrating on what he was talking about. He was still looking directly at him but his train of thought ended up at a different place. He began to think about the wedding day, and how everyone he and Yo invited came along, except him. He wanted to ask Chum Chum on why he didn’t come but he was too scared to do so, since it would be kind off odd of him to think about his friend during his own wedding day, so he didn’t say not one word about Tobias. After the wedding he did send him a message on asking him where he was at or how he was doing, Fanboy never replied, which now after his friend explained to him what happened to his phone and how it stopped working it makes more sense on why he couldn’t reply, but then when he remembered one little detail from that message he sent, and that only rose more questions about this whole incident.

The redhead couldn’t seem to remember exactly, but he swore that he remembered being left on read after sending that message, and this was the first time Fanboy ever did anything like that since he usually isn't the type to ignore messages from his friends and not reply to them. Like it was mentioned earlier, Fanboy began to act weird around Kyle after he started to date Yo, which lead to him starting to respond very slowly to the conjurer whenever he sent him a message, and even then he would always eventually reply back even if it was hours and days later, but he never purposefully left him on read, and assumed the same for the rest of his friends. The last reply he got from him was when Kyle was telling him how he is invited to his wedding and it was just Tobias saying that he accepted the invite and will plan to come over there, after that he never saw him at the wedding and didn’t see or hear any sign of him for not only weeks, but literal months. He thought that maybe Tobias ignored him and purposefully left him on read as a sign that he didn’t want to be around him anymore, but then he immediately scratched that thought out. “Maybe my head is playing games on me, y-yeah that must be it!” he thought to himself, it has been several months since that day. “O-Or maybe... there’s something that he isn’t telling me”.

Kyle began to overthink, he always has struggled with trust issues before which would lead him into feeling paranoid that that something bad will happen. He tried his best to listen to Fanboy continue his story but he just couldn’t help but let his negative thoughts consume him. The stress and anxiety he felt over the thought that the person right in front of him who appeared to be happy and comfortable could just be nothing but him putting on a show because he feels bad for Kyle was only growing more and more, and it was driving him mad.

Kyle was just sitting there in silence, his hands were now gripping onto his skinny black pants as a way to relieve some kind of tension within him, but it was no use. The smile that was on his soft face formed into some sort of nervous and scared frown, and his eyes looked like they were filling up with tears ready to burst out at any moment. All the noises he heard around him, including Tobias' talking, began to sound like nothing but distortion, he didn't even know what Tobias was talking about anymore and all he wanted to do was scream out, he felt some sort of pressure inside of him, it felt like he was about to explode, and yet he couldn't exactly lay his finger on what he felt pressure from. Kyle has had this weirdly odd strong attachment and connection towards Tobias ever since they both met, way more than any other person he has ever met in his life, hell it's even more stronger than the connection he feels with his own wife.

Right after Fanboy concluded the incident that he was telling Kyle, he just noticed how he had a very worried and uncomfortable expression. Confused, he asked about what was the matter. “Um h-hey kyle..? You good? You seem awfully worried” He asked in a concerned tone. Kyle snapped out of it and all of his surroundings that temporarily felt and looked like a blur while he was deep into his own intoxicating and painful thoughts began to clear up. He didn’t even realized that his own expression was enough evidence to show that he wasn’t having it. “I mean.. you looked so happy and then next thing I know you are the polar opposite, did I say something wrong-“ and right when Tobias was about to finish his sentence, Kyle unintentionally interrupted him out of panic. “Y-Yes yes I’m fine alright?! I’m okay don’t w-worry!!” The redhead laughed nervously, he was used to forcing himself to smile and laugh off his pain as if it were nothing, but seeing Tobias show genuine concern for him and him still lying straight to his friend’s face hurt him, he couldn’t believe how selfish he is. “Why am I always so scared to let my guard down? Even with him. I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve to be here!! I hate myself!!” His thoughts screamed at him as he began to feel some sort of wetness within his eyes. He was too scared to show his true emotions and didn’t want to be seen crying, he needed to get out.

”H-Hey do you you have a pen and a piece of paper?” Kyle said, looking down, it was obvious he didn’t want to make any sort of eye contact with his pal since he didn’t want to exposed his wet bloodshot looking eyes. “Uhhhh sure! W-Why do you need it?” Tobias asked as he grabbed a little sticky note paper and a black pen and handed it to Kyle. He didn’t reply as he grabbed the pen and began to write his phone number on the sticky note. “I remember that I have to go somewhere, here’s my phone number” Kyle put the paper and pen on the counter. Tobias noticed a sudden change in his pal’s voice, it sounded like he wanted to sob out loud but forced himself to hold it in, he didn’t say anything about the voice change. When Kyle was right about to head out the door with his head still looking down at the floor and his scarlet colored bangs covering his eyes, Fanboy made one last comment. “W-Well see you later Kyle! I hope you have a nice rest of your day” he said smiling. Kyle then paused in his steps, looked back at Fanboy and smiled weakly, that was when Tobias saw that Kyle was crying, but right before he had the chance to ask on why he was crying he left the store.

He looked out through the glass door all the way from where he sat behind the store counter, and saw when Kyle pulled out his wand to make his broom appear again, he saw as he got on and made himself and the broom both poof into nothing, assuming that he used some sort of teleportation to get where he wanted to go. “Jeez.... I don’t know what is up with him but man... I hope he’s okay, I don’t have any idea what happened to him all throughout these past months, so anything is possible..” he thought to himself. He tried to keep himself occupied by looking through his phone, cleaning up the store a bit, and all his other tasks he had during his job, since his co worker wasn’t here today he had to do extra the work. But his mind was still set on Kyle. His concern for him grew more and more. “I should message him after I’m done with my job, to see how things are with him... and what is with him... yeah.. that sounds like a good idea”.

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy sorry for this chapter being kinda short djdjekwkemrk, also I apologize if my updates tend to be slow, I get easily distracted and I don’t have a lot of motivation to do anything often so please be patient with me.


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